So Spazzie was scanning MSN, getting caught up on today’s crazy, and she spotted this tasty bit o' clickbait:
“What Jennifer Aniston Does To Make 48 Look 28”
And I thought, with a whole boat-load of snark, “this should be revelatory,” and bit the hook.
Apparently, Jennifer celebrated her 48th birthday last week in Mexico and the paparazzi were all agog over her amazing “beach body.” In fact, Jen’s staggering beauty (i.e. the sight of Jen in her little blue bikini) was so moving (especially considering her advanced age and all), the invasive fucks couldn’t help but take loads of pictures! They captured Jen and her hubby JT from every possible angle, using (I’m sure) a very, very long camera lens.
No doubt, celebrity is a total bitch. Just ask any celebrity (Brad or Angelina, perhaps?) how much it sucks to have douchebags with cameras following you everywhere you go. I read the *cough* article, just to confirm the information was as enlightening (not) as I anticipated.
Here they are folks, Jen’s tricks to being 'Fabulous at 48.'
Trick No 1: Jen’s got some seriously, damn fine DNA. How you age is hard-coded. Sure, there are lifestyle influences, but if your mom (ladies) or dad (men) looked “pretty good” —all other things equal—at 48? Your chances of looking “pretty good” at 48 increase significantly. Don’t smoke; don’t drink excessively, and either stay the fuck out of the sun or invest in very good sunscreen.
Trick No. 2: Jen’s never been fat. It’s a fuck-ton easier to maintain a healthy weight if you’ve always been at (or within 5% of) a healthy weight. And that’s not to say maintaining a healthy weight is easy. Regular people must find time to plan healthy meals, shop, and cook, on top of their 10-plus hour work day and their 2-plus hour daily commute. Also, whole foods are expensive—essential, but expensive— especially compared to the food-like stuff sold in our grocer's interior isles. Or the fast-food drive thru.
Gratuitous Product Placement: RxBar whole food bars and Pressed by Kind bars are Spazzie and Bubba’s ‘go to' these days. With no added crap, they’re tasty nutrition on the go!
And, we must find time to exercise, for long enough and hard enough, just to counter-act all that time we spend sitting (10 hours work, plus 2 hours commute p/day) on our asses Monday through Friday. So we've managed to fit in both eating right and exercising, but we're sleep deprived as fuck, which leads to depression, anxiety and—holy shit, seriously?—weight gain! Fuck me.
Trick No. 3: Jen makes a fuck-ton of money; she can afford to hire help. Jen’s mindful about what she eats, and she exercises. Clearly! But don’t you think it’s also likely, given that one of her job responsibilities is “looking damn good,” Jen has a staff of private nutritionists, chefs and personal trainers who are working hard, behind the scenes, enabling Jen to look her best? I would hope so because who WOULDN’T hire the motherfuckers who make Jennifer Aniston look this good, if they could afford to do so? Making celebrities look amazing is their job, people, and if they suck at it, they get fired.
Trick No. 4: Jen’s has never given birth. I don’t know this from personal experience, but I have several dear friends who, though they all look amazing, swear that their pre-child birth bodies were VERY different from their post-child birth bodies. A woman’s body changes in many (sometimes dramatic) ways, as a result of growing a whole new person. Helen Mirren is renowned for responding to reporters who ask (inevitably), how her body still looks so damn amazing at 71, “I never had children.” ‘Nuff said.
Trick No. 5: The Legion of aestheticians and dermatologists Jen has on speed dial, aka Jen’s “prep team,” turn her from plain old “Jen” to actress and “Friends Alum” JENNIFER ANNISTON. Seriously, these people pop, pluck, and peel away the years from Jen’s face and body. Frankly, the human body does some funky shit as it ages, and unless you have the financial resources to pay someone to reverse all this ‘funky shit,' do your best, accept the results and go about your day.
So, I just read the first part of this post to Bubba, and he responded:
“Asking how Jennifer Anniston still looks amazing at 48, is like asking how Ruth Bader Ginsburg is still an amazing lawyer at 83.”
I looked at him for a moment and said, “that’s brilliant, I'll include that.” Bubba is wise in the ways of smart, aging women!
Bubba’s comment perfectly highlights this point: it is Jennifer Anniston’s job to look amazing, and she works hard to be good at this job because she must. People who aren’t good at their jobs get fired.
“And for fuck sake, she’s not a professional MMA fighter,” added Bubba.
Meaning that Jen’s not just an actor, she’s also a model. Of course, she looks amazing, just like most everyone else who’s job is in front of the camera. “Looking amazing” is the baseline job requirement.
For me, a regular person, who looks (and frequently feels) her age?
I will endeavor to remain grateful that Bubba has a deep appreciation for abundantly curvy, middle-aged red-heads who write ranty blogs.
Bubba just chimed in "ya planning on introducing me to any?" He's a funny motherfucker, that Bubba.
I will be kind to myself, try not to freak out about the new lines on my face, or the new grey hairs on my head (yeah, fuck that last part—I have an amazing colorist)!
And I will laugh because there ain't a damn thing I can do about getting older, except die, and I'm not ready to check out just yet!
I’d also like to point out I haven’t seen headlines exclaming how "amazing"...
- Hugh Jackman (48);
- Daniel Craig (48);
- Jon Hamm (45);
- Robert Downey Jr.(51);
- Mark Ruffolo (49); and
- Richard Armitage (45)
...“look,” despite their advanced age. Fucking Hollywood!