So I’m back in school for Fall Quarter. I was reviewing the course guides, asking “what the hell was I thinking? Economics, for fuck’s sake, as if I didn’t have enough going on?! I couldn’t just stick with Computer Information Systems; I HAD to do something harder. WTF is wrong with me?!” And then I heard Spazzie say “Breath, Orlina. Just breath. You’ll make it through, take it one week at a time”.
I’ve always loved science — all kinds of science. As a little girl, I dreamt of being an astronaut, and I devoured every astronomy book I could find. I always did very well in my science classes in school — especially Biology — and as a teen-ager, I wanted to be a veterinarian or marine biologist. Certainly, I was smart enough, but when I expressed these desires aloud, I was told: “you’re too pretty.”
Too pretty to pursue a demanding career? Too pretty to be ambitious? Too pretty to be???
The “too pretty” bullshit completely fucked with me. My family PRIZED good looks over all else, and the messaging was explicit: I was pretty, I didn’t need to use my brain. I didn’t need to work hard. I didn’t need a career because I could marry well. I was very fortunate. Also, I tend towards chuncky, so I really need to watch that. If I'm fat, no one will love me. Fat is worse than stupid. Fat is ugly. Fat is unworthy. No wonder I was bulimic until I was 30!
These were the messages I heard throughout my life — especially as a teenaged girl. Fortunately, I had several strong, positive female role models that demonstrated independence, drive, and self-reliance. These women inspired me to be more; they helped me realize I was worth more than my face, tits, and ass. These women taught me to value myself for more than my physicality — and I’m eternally grateful to them. They are largely responsible for the life I’ve built, a life of which I’m very, very proud.
I’ve no fucking idea where people got the idea that women can be “too pretty,” but it’s neither new or especially unusual. Google “too pretty,” and Google returns a shit-ton of similar stories: women who are “too pretty” to pursue their dreams; too pretty to be themselves. It is completely insane. It’s taken me years to fully reject the incredibly fucked up messaging that my body defines me, and the only thing of value I have is my “looks.” Good thing too, because I’m enjoying getting older and somewhat wiser; if I was obsessed with my looks, aging would SSSSUUUUHHHHHCCCCCKKKKKK!!!
So when I realized I had a genuine interest in Economics — after three years of working for the Federal Reserve Board of Governors — I said “fuck it” and went back to school for Economics. Because no one, not even myself, will ever tell me I’m too pretty to be whoever, or whatever the fuck I want.
